


You Can't Do Kismesissitude

by TigerMoonBETA



Series: Wishes Don't Do Anything [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: EriSol - Freeform, Homestuck - Freeform, I don't think you'd consider that rape, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, at the end things get fluffy, dont worry im not an author that leaves the reader heartbroken, he's just tired but he's ok with it, i am author trust me, it all basically goes down in a bathroom, it goes from sad to happy, its my otp i couldnt do that, nothing too kinky bc I'm a weeb, otp, since i cant rlly write smut i wrote that, the pov is weird, theres like a little bit of sex, they take a bath together, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 21:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerMoonBETA/pseuds/TigerMoonBETA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically Eridan has a fricked up mind and is pretty keen on self-pity.<br/>he has the tendency to lie and pretend Sollux is the one who gives him scars, but we know that's a lie.<br/>and then this is what happens if you ignore your kismesis for weeks and then self-harm before getting them off</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Do Kismesissitude

**Author's Note:**

> just be careful
> 
> this is a bit touchy and I don't want to have someone be accidentally triggered.  
> things like self-harm and some pretty depressing thoughts  
> you know what you can handle right?  
> -https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLGqYQDoA0sWBth25jAD70iZfwbtJgViWP  
> here are some songs you can play while listening, if you want extra feels. feel free to mix around the order you play them in, but for the best effect play 'Say Something' at the part where it says "you are about to argue but your legs give out and..." ok shshshshh-
> 
> tagged violence bc even though it's not graphic idk I just care about my readers ily sorry

I can't actually do the kismesis thing. I nevver havve been able to. An shore.  
Blackrom is fine. Most'a my feelins towwards evveryone are black. But I still can't do Kismesissitude. 

[S] Be the upset sea dweller. 

You are now the upset sea dweller. You can't do Kismesissitude and you never have been able to. You were aware people disliked you, and that was enough. But being constantly insulted by someone who you had graced with the honor of being in quadrants, was rude and a bit disheartening. It actually kind of... hurt. 

"You dii2gu2t me."  
"Your fii2hy 2mell iis revoltiing."  
"You're a pathetiic excu2e for a kii2me2ii2." 

You knew all of these things. And that they were true. But you couldn't afford to let people know how you really felt. 

You were actually quite good at concealing emotions and coming up with excuses. 

"no I'm just tired cause the fuckin dream bubbles wwill piss me off"  
"wwhat the fuck are you starin at?"  
"do you havve a problem wwith me?"  
"i ain't upset. don't be a fuckin idiot. ill fix my wwand so I can personally see to your death."

 

"a'course I'm fine. they're just scratches from Sol."

but they aren't actually scratches from Sol.  
He probably wouldn't even know if they were or weren't.  
you put those scratches there.

you are particularly defensive about the marks, and it's probably not in best interest. but you're always wearing a scarf and cape and long sleeves and pants, so people shouldn't be peepin at your arms anyway. your entire get-up says "eyes off pervvert." but you can't blame them for staring. you are a pretty fine specimen. 

 

however you haven't gotten it on with your kismesis in a while. you wonder what that's about. and while it's usually YOU who sparks up the arguments, you can't help but let the dark part of your mind twist things. 

'he probably is so disgusted he can't look at you. let alone pail.'

'why would he want to anyway? youre a pathetic kismesis.'

'stop acting like hot shit. he's probably sick of you.'

and that's what you truly believe. so you hadn't spoken to, hung around, or even looked at the Captor. 

 

So you do what you do best.  
you dismiss yourself quietly, without acknowledging your kismesis who stands a few feet away, and head to an ablution block. 

That was your second mistake, dismissing yourself quietly. 

Your first was not acknowledging Sollux. 

 

The ablution block is a bit deep in. You had taken many turns down long corridors to get there. And you doubt anyone could find you if they tried. 

Third mistake. 

You then swipe a sharp object off of the counter- without even knowing what it was, because honestly, who cares. And you get down to business. 

You allow a shallow amount of water to collect in the "bathtub", and sigh.  
Is this really what you've stooped to?  
yes. 

 

You roll up your sleeves, and to be honest, you disgust yourself a bit too. The sight is not a pretty one, and not even in the sense that scars go.  
But that won't be enough and you know it.  
You don't bother locking the door, but still peel off your stupid hipster striped pants, and discard them.  
Your thighs are less damaged, but that's because you aren't too keen on staining your classy clothes.  
And once you pitifully slide down into the cooling water, it begins. 

You try not to think of how the water reminds you of your old life. Back on Alternia. And how you never actually spent much time in the sea, and Feferi criticized you for it.  
Instead you try to focus on the sting and the glorious color of your majestic royal blood as it drips down into the tub. You could do this easily.  
The pain is kind of numb and after a while this buzz materializes from the back of your head. it's like a faint humming. and it's almost hypnotic. and you almost loose track of time, just sitting there lamely drawing jagged Aquarius symbols into your pathetic grey skin.

that is, until you're snapped out of the trace by angry footsteps.  
You barely hear them, but you know what it means.  
You growl. Can't he just fucking leave you alone? This is no time for pity.  
You snatch a wash-rag, and go on a field day. Even though it hurts, you can't get caught like this.  
You pull the plug and watch as the violet blood slowly drains from sight, and you discard the sharp object.  
Now that the footsteps are much louder, you hurriedly pull on your pretentious pants, and prepare yourself for what's to come. 

You just barely have enough time to glance in the mirror. you look sick as hell. You don't even look grey anymore. The purple tint to your nose is gone and it's mostly a ghost of what someone who was colorblind would call grey.  
Good thing he is colorblind. But you just barely have enough time to see before Sollux bursts in 

His psionics are threatening to go above the occasional zap. He must be pretty mad. 

"And where the fuck have you been, fithdick?" 

"Ivve been in here, dumbass." 

"What the fuck could keep you tho long in an ablution block?!" 

You just shrug. He doesn't actually care. 

"Whatever..."  
He grabs the scarf that is wrapped around you, and yanks you closer. You're getting the vibe that things are pretty black right now, and that's great. But this really isn't what you need at the moment. 

"You're tho inconthiderate."

huh?

"You've been avoiding me for weekth. You know what thath been doing to me?" 

You honestly have no idea what he's talking about. 

"No?..."  
That answer doesn't seem to please him, as he responds by grabbing a tuft of your hair, and pulling you closer, so he's just whispering in your ear. 

"Ith driving me crazy ED. You have no idea how badly I want you, and it thhhssickenth me."

He hisses out the 'sickens' to the best of his ability and forcefully lets go of you. 

Oh, so he's been horny this entire time? Wow, how inconsiderate of you to NOT notice. it's not like you weren't around people all the time.  
You're really not in the mood to fuck, but you can't loose a quadrant. 

You spit out a 'fuck you' through clenched teeth, and he pushes you to the ground.  
wait. 

you're doing this HERE?  
RIGHT NOW?  
But you can't argue. Because he's ontop of you. Stradling your hips, and by jegus. You think that if he doesn't get off soon he's literally going to kill you. 

Sollux flips you over so you're on your hands and knees. You don't actually have the energy to protest at this point. The amount of blood you lost, and are still loosing is a bit outrageous.  
He doesn't seem to notice though.  
It's not like you're against this, because you're not. You don't say 'not noww sol.' or 'don't' or 'I don't wwant to' 

because yeah. you need the reassurance. so you're down for this. 

you think he's so driven by lust. and maybe you are too, but it's getting a bit hazy. yet you still grind into him. you have a reputation to uphold.  
he rips off your pretentious hipster pants, as well as his own, using his psionics naturally.  
you want to reciprocate. but you're honestly not sure how much longer you're going to last before you blackout.  
hopefully you both finish before that because usually after you're done, the two of you part ways rather quickly. that way no one discovers your secret. 

because of his mutant-self, he now has one bulge that is occupied, and the other is not.  
you take the opportunity to comply and grasp it. probably not as roughly as a kismesis should, but you're weak and he doesn't care.  
he pulls on your scarf and using his psionics pulls back on your horns, making it hard to breath.  
but it's all in the name of black-rom.  
you're actually enjoying yourself a bit. you think maybe this is what it would be like after eating a slime pie and then fucking mercilessly on a bathroom floor. and you quite like it. 

but then his hands latch onto your hips and you know it's over.  
it takes him a second to realize, and the time is agonizingly slow. 

"Eridan... what the fuck."

you cringe and your arms give out and you drop to your elbows. the pain, now that's he's touching them, is white hot. 

"Eridan what the fuck are thethe?"

You frown. You feel so guilty. So fucking guilty and irresponsible. 

"Eridan!"

But he doesn't sound angry.  
He sounds... worried?

You muster up the strength, and crane your neck. And the sight makes you want to vomit. 

Sollux is sitting there, with your purple blood dripping from his hands. And he looks absolutely shocked. Horrified, even. 

"Eridan what..."

His eyebrows draw in and the tone of voice he speaks in next makes you ditch your resolve. 

"Eridan... why?... Why would you do thith?"

It's not black anymore. You feel disgusted with yourself and you can FEEL the pity in the air. You sit up, twist, and squirm away, until your back hits the bathtub. He sounds as though he might break and that he actually cares. and that goes against everything you know.  
Your gills and fins flatten involuntarily, something that happens when you're distraught. And you sniffle and you try not to cry. You couldn't bare to lose any more body fluids. 

Sollux comes scooting over, and goes to inspect your wrist. It, too, had received a fair amount of abuse within the last hours. But the red feelings make you reel back and put your arms inward.  
Your long sleeve shirt is by far soaked with purple.  
And then your kismesis does something that a kismesis shouldn't do.  
He opens the drawer and /fishes/ out some gauze. Then, in the gentlest of ways, uses his psionics to unfold your arms outward. He bandages them extremely carefully, also briefly rummaging through the cabinet for something called Neosporin, and you watch astounded. Who is this person? And what have they done with Sollux Captor? You don't even notice the pain, until he moves on to your legs. and you decide you've had enough. 

"Sol, stop."  
You push his hand away but he shushes you and goes back to working. 

"Sol."

he doesn't look up

"Sollux, for the lovve of jegus please stop!-"

"NO!"

seriously? what is happening?

"Eridan, if you think I'm going to leave you like thith, you're inthane." 

That really surprises you, but a lot of things have been doing that lately. 

"Wwhy?"

"Becauthe. It wath my job to hurt you. Not yourth." 

"W... wwas?"

"Yeah. Wath. Not anymore though." 

And for some reason. Those five words make you lose it. You break down sobbing, and Sollux quickly finishes playing doctor to warmly embrace you.  
now you're sitting on the floor of an ablution block, in your ?kismesis'? lap, crying your eyes out.  
you didn't expect things to go this way.  
and you still admittedly feel very guilty for causing Sollux to stop in the middle of, uh... to patch you up. you probably should have just blacked out from blood loss and died. you doubt anyone would have cared if your bloodpusher stopped. 

after a few more minutes of you sobbing grossly and Sollux wiping your tears away, you run out of energy and no longer are crying. Because of what you had done, everything is growing dim and blurry. that, or you're just in shock. and you start thinking: look at this mess. 

a few weeks ago, the Eridan you had been would have laughed at this situation. and how pitiful it was.  
what happened to you?  
it didn't matter because you knew you deserved this. you were a pretty horrible person. all the things you had done, it's not surprising it all built to this.  
sometime in your self-loathing thoughts, you must have started shaking. because Sollux holds you closer and starts pressing kisses against your neck, right on your gills and fins.  
that helps you anchor to reality, and you stop shaking, and a sound begins to reverberate from the back of your throat. it would have been purring. but now it's just a scratchy muffled hum.  
all you want right now is to be held, and loved. and you think that maybe you deserve to have what you ACTUALLY want for once. not worrying about your image.  
you flip yourself around, so you're facing Sollux, and you snake your arms around his neck, while simultaneously burying your nose into the crook of his neck.  
and he continues to kindly press kisses all over your damaged reputation- forehead, ears, fins, gills, neck, cheek, while rubbing patterns into your back.  
it makes you tired. 

you want to fall asleep. 

soon you begin to doze off, and despite not having much experience in this type of situation, your ?kismesis? knows that's not a good thing. 

"ED."

He shakes your shoulder tenderly, but you're too tired to acknowledge. 

"Eridan. You can't thleep right now."

You mumble something and retract your arms, and sit up. By now the bandages are soaked, and they're sticking to your skin and it's pretty uncomfortable and you start scratching them.  
He notices and sighs. 

"Hold on."

he lifts you up and sets you down against the wall, so you have support other than him, because he decides to get up and... run a bath. 

you're pretty sick of playing patient. 

you push on the ground with what strength you have left, and stand up, or atleast try to. he doesn't like that either. 

"Eridan. pleathe. juth thit down. take it eathy." 

you are about to argue but your legs give out and you collapse.  
luckily he's right there and he catches you and sets you down gently again.  
even with all this you're still able to keep a stubborn attitude and you're proud of yourself for that.  
he knows now he can't take his eyes off of you.  
instead he ops to use his psionics to get everything set: running the water, locking the door, and pulling the trash can over.  
he sighs and begins to work the bandages off, it hurts a little especially when the cold air hits your arms and legs.  
he peels them away and discards them, not even flinching at the sight of your mutilated body.  
it too makes you feel pretty guilty.

so sometime after being half-naked, and nursed by Sollux, you're both sitting in the bathtub, fully naked. Your back against his chest, and surrounded by warm water. everything seems to be making you tired.  
your small, lanky frame, against his slightly-larger and sturdier one, allows both of you to fit snugly without it being uncomfortable.

in that moment, you feel loved.  
and you think that maybe that's all you ever actually wanted. 

He wraps his arms around your torso as you begin to cry. You feel so small. Everything is just happening and it's beyond your control. You're still trying to understand how you feel, and now this. It's set you back to square one.  
But you think maybe you're headed for a different path this time.

You cry, not in pity. Not in mourning. Not in sadness.

But in relief. 

Because this is most definitely what you wanted all along.

He caresses you tenderly, as though your pale complexion was glass, and it would break into a million tiny pieces if he didn't.  
You stare down at what you've done to yourself and you hate it.  
You don't want to look at the scars anymore. You're sick of them.

Your fins flatten against your neck and you growl through your tears. You really hate yourself right now.

"Eridan."

You give the cuts a final sneer and look back at your... he's not your kismesis anymore.

"Eridan. Pleathe talk to me."

"... Wwhat do you wwant me to say?"

"Thomething. Anything really."

"Wwell there isn't really anything to say. I think you're smart enough to understand wwhat's been happening wwhen you wwerent looking."

"Well yeah. I get that now. But I really didn't think you would do thomething like thith."

You frown. No one would expect you to be like this. Of course not. Because you're a fucking boss at concealing things.

"But you have to underthand thomething ED."

?

"Thometimeth, ith okay to be weak. To be... well... pitiful. But I... wath your kithmethith. Tho it wath my job alone to hate you and hurt you, and not pity you."

Your frown deepens. Where is he going with this?

"My job. Not yourth. Not anybody eltheth. Mine."

Oh. You think you know where this is going.

"But you've got no other quadranth. Nothing to balanthe out- right?"

You nod.

"Right. But you can't handle thith hatred by yourthelf. Obviouthly. Ith not my job to pity you. And I don't. Becauthe you're a throng perthon Eridan. Thath the rule. Kithmethith cannot pity eachother. But no where doeth it thay that I can't look out for you..."

"Sollux. Wwhere the fuck are you going wwith this?"

"Juth... look..."

He swirls the water and looks down.

"What you have been doing ith not poetic. Ith not beautiful, or whatever you think like that. It thayth 'I need help'. And I'll be damned, but it doethnt matter what quadrant we're in. I'm going to help."

"Sol. You're my kismesis and that means-"

"No. I'm not your kithmethith anymore. I quit that thhit."

You smile at his attempt to say 'shit'. His lisp is the only thing that's not foreign to you in this situation and it's quite comfortable. You know he's just rambling now. It's a thing he tends to do because of his bipolar tendencies you think.

"Sol. You're rambling again. Wwhat do you wwant to say?"

"Eridan. I am not going to let you thit here, and thuffer like thith anymore. I'm not going to be your kithmethith. Not if it meanth having you do thith to yourthelf. But now that meanth I'm not in your quadranth, but... I'd thill like to be."

"You idiot. Is this your wway of telling me you're flushed for me?"  
You scrunch up your nose and grin and your fins wiggle. It's the first time you've actually smiled in a while.

"Gah... uh I think tho? Maybe? Yeth?" He facepalms and his glasses go crooked.

"Sol shut up and stop your talking. I knoww wwhat you mean. So sure."

"Thure? You mean-?"

"Yeah... I think I need that."

He nods and tucks his chin into the crook of your neck. It feels... red. And you think you like it.

Which is weird, because you've started crying again.  
You're not sure why. You think maybe it's just out of shock and you don't know how to deal with the dramatic change, or what just happened. 

Sollux seems to get it though.

He goes back to holding you gently, kissing, and it all just makes you want to stay that way forever. So you do the next best thing.

You sit quietly, for god knows how long. Your crying lessens, and so do the kisses, but they're still just as meaningful each time.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't thay that. I'm the one who needth to apologize. Tho... I'M thorry ED."

"You didn't do anyfin wwrong."

"I did. And even tho, I'm not doing thith right either. Tell me. Ith there REALLY no trace of anger, hatred, thadneth, towardth me, or juth in general?"

"Wwell... yeah. A'course there is but-"

"Thee? No. That thouldn't be there. And I've got to make it up to you. Prove that I really do care about you- really do love you."

You're not sure you follow. How would he even go about doing that? 

....?

You stare up at him for an explanation, but he gives none. You wonder what has gotten into him. Then again, you're pretty spooked yourself, and you think maybe this side of you is scaring him. It makes sense. He said it himself- what you've been doing isn't beautiful in any way, shape or form. Honestly, if you were to stand infront of a mirror right now, it'd be pretty disgusting to look at. You stare down into the water, and cringe.  
It's got a lavender tint to it, because you're STILL bleeding a little, but mostly because you've been crying. And apparently so has Sollux, because there's some yellow too. And you really start to wonder what he means. How would he "make it up to you"? There isn't much that anyone could do to convince you that you're worth something. Not even yourself. You think you're a disgusting piece of trash and horrifying to look at and you have a cocky, brash, attitude and you hurt everyone and everything. 

Being called 'The Prince of Hope' makes you laugh.  
There is no hope for you.  
Remember?

Before, you couldn't even get a matespirt. And now, you think you have one, but he was your old kismesis.  
The only thing you were good for to him was pailing, but now that he's seen your scars, you're not even good for that anymore and- 

oh.

Oh..

OH.

 

so that's what he means.

 

You look up at him, into his eyes, and he knows you understand. That he didn't actually need to explain what he meant.  
And you nod.  
And he kisses you.

And the bathtub is draining and you both get out- yourself not without a little help. (He picks you up.) And he dries you off with a towel, as well as himself, and you head to a respite block that is conveniently a few doors down.  
And you think you maybe set yourself up for this.  
But you don't care.

And he lays you down on a bed- thank goodness that Rose human was smart enough to bring spares. You think she knew all what would happen, being a Seer.  
And then he kisses you, and you kiss him, and there's not just black hatred. It feels new, different, and very inviting.  
It feels loving.  
Because you love Sollux Captor, and he loves you.  
Sollux Captor loves Eridan Ampora.  
Eridan Ampora loves Sollux Captor.

Then what you do next is not for anyone to describe- because you simply cannot describe it.  
You don't just pail.  
You don't just have make-up sex.

He proves to you that he loves you. That despite what you have done, and how self-destructive you have become, he still loves you.  
And that's a good reason for you to start loving yourself.

The two of you make love.

And that's when you think that the red feels nicer than black.  
And that when he kisses you, his lips feel better than fangs.  
And that having your fins bitten isn't as nice as hearing the sounds of pleasure he makes when things are like this between you two. 

 

So no. You can't do kismesis. But you can do whatever this is.

**Author's Note:**

> scree sorry I wrote the beginning of this at 2-3 am so  
> but I feel like the beginning is better.
> 
>  
> 
> let me know if I should continue this or write a multi-chapter fic that is what happens after this???
> 
> EDIT: thanks to all the readssss wow 700 i am what  
> anyway, if youre really interested and dont hate my writing style by now, ive made a sequel to this. its in the process and its going to be a multichapter fic! main focus on erisol, naturally. but likely some side ships and things going on. but mainly eriosl bc haha (OTP)


End file.
